Approximate read time: 5 minutes
Once again I find myself sitting at a cafe drinking a latte. This time, salted caramel at Art of Bean. It's a place I've made my way to for work somewhat regularly. I enjoy the vibe and the layout, and this latte is really something great.
Today is day 75. The final in my challenge I set out to accomplish for myself on September 18th. I thought it might be nice to take a bit of a mental check in with myself and do what I can to capture how I'm feeling, have been feeling, and anticipate I'll feel in the days, weeks, and months to come -- specifically now that I'm no longer “bound” to a challenge; these habits are now left to my own levels of discipline.
Let's first recap what I landed on as my daily challenges for the last 75.
- 2 workouts daily (a 30 and a 45 minute one, one being outdoors)
- Reading at least 10 pages of non-fiction books
- No fast food of any kind. My arbitrary distinction was that I must be able to sit at a restaurant and order from a menu, having the food brought to me. This meant I could order food if I needed, but not just anything, it had to meet that criteria as a restaurant.
- Drink 128 oz of water every day
- Take progress photos along the way
I'm really quite pleased to be able to say I accomplished this entirely (I've got a few things to go today still, but won't leave those incomplete).
Over the course of the last 75 days I would freely and maybe overly tell people that I was doing this. (Sorry if you heard it more than once and were in any way annoyed.) In doing so, I found my way to the real reason I was doing it, and what I was looking to accomplish. The component pieces of this challenge didn't matter. I wasn't out to lose some weight, or get stronger, or even read more. The pieces of this challenge were as arbitrary as my definition of “fast food”, and could've had more or less, quite easily. What was most important was having something to not quit -- and I wanted to be sure I chose something I would want to quit. It was about enduring discomfort and inconveniences to the lifestyle and habits I'd honed over the years.
Now, I don't want to even begin to pretend this was a highly difficult set of tasks to accomplish, but they did present more than a few occasions where I had to convince myself to keep at it. There were many nights that at 11PM I found myself out for a walk to get my last exercise and outdoor requirement met, or chugging back the last litre of water begrudgingly exclaiming that it's far too much for one person to consume in a day. I had to cut other things short, and I had to reprioritize these tasks over other things I'd much rather do, but that was the point, and that's really what I will take away from this experience the most.
If you've read any of the last couple of things I wrote you may recognize that the last couple of months have presented some additional challenges I didn't think I'd be faced with. The truly shocking and abhorrent way we lost my cousin Angie, and the agony of having to say goodbye to Brodie weren't things I had expected to encounter during the 75 days, but because of how hard they were for me to deal with, I'm really glad they did. At times in my past when I've experienced large obstacles to the happy mental health path I've failed myself more than not. It has been common for me to shut down; retreating into my own mind and avoiding obligations and responsibilities as much as possible. By prioritizing myself and not allowing myself the chance to make an excuse to skip these things I endured through them. Some days writhing with anger or sadness, but still completing what I needed to. The challenges gave me something to get out of bed for in my worst times, even though sometimes I went right back there. Experiencing what I did without the benefit of 75 Chris to my mental health is an alternate reality I don't like thinking about, because I don't know quite how bad I might've found myself. They weren't my best times, and I still struggle to keep myself in a good headspace if I dwell on them too much.
Which brings me to, I think the reason I wanted to write this, what it helped me learn about myself, and what I hope I can continue forward with.
In a lot of ways I don't feel any different, but that's the kind of macro changing that I'd expect. The scale read 353.2 lbs when I weighed myself the first day on September 19th. Today it read 333.2 lbs. Nothing unbelievable, and in looking at the pictures of myself between now and then, barely noticeable, but a change all the same. I read a couple of books during the 75 days, but I didn't break any records. Some days it really was just 10 pages and then stopping, nothing more, nothing less. I think I'd read more in the 75 days prior to the challenge. The only benefit to drinking that unholy amount of water is that I went to the washroom a ton. (I know it physiologically benefitted me in probably dozens of ways, but I hated it every day.) I still experience pain. I still experience discomfort. And I still feel like it would be easy to offer myself an excuse to quit. But I recognize now that I have it in me to endure more than I felt I did.
My plan is to maintain a lot of these habits, including going to the gym 6 days a week, finding ways to be outside for a bit of exercise, reading, and drinking water. On top of that I want to start refining and improving in other ways. I have loose plans to start doing shorter “challenges” that can help me move the needle in the right direction of skill development and other measurable things that would benefit me as a person. I don't want these to be as restrictive as 75 Chris in terms of requirements, moreso the idea of doing something a fixed amount of times, and if I need to miss a day, having the comfort with myself to trust that I'll pick it back up, and what might've been planned on taking 30 days, actually taking 31 -- but that's ok. Simple things fall into my mental picture of this, like learning a song on guitar, spending time writing each day, meditating, colouring, or even just tackling some piece of housework or improvement. More small, iterable things that can help me feel better about myself and my place in life. Stay tuned.
I don't think this is exactly what I planned on writing when I sat down to my (now cold) salted caramel latte, but it all kind of fell out of me, so I'll stick with it. Thanks for reading.
<3 flurp