Approximate read time: 5.5 minutes
I guess both perspectives in the title are valid, and it's ultimately a kind of half full or half empty way of looking at things. Although, even as I'm typing it out, it dawns on me that that's a false dichotomy, or, another way I like to consider these things (despite not knowing how to properly pronounce it) is the Latin term, tertium non datur -- no third option. Well…maybe it's not, and certainly someone who has spent more time with philosophy has an “Um, actually,” at the ready, but it sounds near enough the idea I'm shooting for (and it gives me a chance to use it in a sentence -- few opportunities have presented themselves since I first learned of it from Propagandhi's album Supporting Caste).
If you're still with me, I guess all I'm trying to get across is the idea that my normal patterns of reflection on the year previous or focusing on the one upcoming isn't the only thing I can do. (More abstractly,) I can do neither. I can exist with myself where I am at this moment and move forward into the new year piece by piece, as it feels appropriate at each moment to do so.
(Let's take a slight detour here for a moment.)
Recently, while on the treadmill in the morning I've been watching some YouTube videos by Mark Manson for his podcast. I was watching one called “How to Reprogram Your Brain for Success”, and it featured a thinker I enjoy named Derek Sivers. Clickbait title aside, the conversation was really between two friends discussing their beliefs, how they interrogate them, and the value they can bring to their own lives. I'm a fan of both of their mentalities on many subjects, but what stuck with me enough to carry into a future conversation was how Derek discussed his way of reaching his own beliefs with confidence.
Rather than paraphrase poorly, I'll just share how I do it, and you can trust that what he said was similar. When considering a belief or idea, either new or old, I try to find ways to discuss and challenge it with myself. Sometimes it's through writing or journaling, other times it's just pouring over it in my head, having multiple conversations from as many perspectives as I can reasonably have. It may also happen through conversation, such as therapy, or when someone leaves me a bit of space to get deep and philosophical (often unnecessarily). What ends up taking place at these moments is that I'm ultimately trying to communicate my idea or belief -- sometimes to myself, sometimes to others. It's in this act that I end up pulling on it in multiple directions until I find the one that feels right. It's my own sort of “Eureka!” moment, just for my own thoughts or beliefs.
Why is this even tangentially applicable to this post?
Great question.
Personally, at this time of year a few things are true in my life. I'm stressed and worn out from the holidays. Work has concluded and I'm pleased to have some time away and excited to start back up. And quite typically, I tend to feel like a pile of shit. With the help of other people's social media, I find myself disappointed in all the things I didn't do, and all the ways I wish I was better. I reflect on the year I'm leaving behind and remember what I wanted to try and didn't. I look towards the year I'm entering and make promises to myself that I'll never keep. But I don't really want to do that this year. I want my third option. I want to simply be.
This has been an important piece of growth for me this year.
Depending on when you ask me, I'll proudly proclaim that this was a good year. I got to travel to Chicago and New York, engaged in both work and personal experiences that I remember fondly. I was able to attend some great concerts, some with friends, some solo. The conversations before and after helped me in a lot of valuable ways I don't think I can adequately convey. I learned a lot, and built a lot of myself. The challenges were set by me, and I accomplished them, leaving the year almost 20 lbs lighter than I began it.
Conversely, however, if you catch me in those other times, I'll snidely complain that this was a shitty year. I had to say goodbye to my best friend of 17 years. That ache remains fresh and the grief will take years to get more than a few millimetres from the surface of my thoughts. I had to say goodbye to our dog Zoë, who I had the joy of being with for almost 8 years. My cousin was killed in the most senseless and infuriating way I can imagine -- and nothing has come of it. I've struggled incredibly hard with depression this year. More than I recall in recent ones. This has been a strain on most relationships in my life. I failed at plenty of things I put my mind to, and just gave up on some others. I feel like this year (the last year of my 30's) has aged me well into my 40's.
But that's the point, isn't it?
(Let's kick into a detour again real quick -- back to a conversation I had around a table with some coworkers in Toronto a couple years ago, and the answer to a question that one person remarked was really insightful and impactful on them -- a statement that helped me to remember how I captured it, making it impactful on me as well. Thanks Charlie.)
There's a card game called “We're Not Really Strangers”, which has three levels of questions meant to help learn about people playing the game. For some reason, the idea of bringing it to a bar and playing it while we sat around having drinks following a work day came up, and we found ourselves, a group of probably 8-12, engaged in it, all struggling to hear each other's answers. I don't recall the wording of the question exactly, but it was effectively asking me what I thought the meaning of life was. Not one to shy away from getting deep, I prefaced with the usual “As an atheist…” blurb, before talking myself towards the real answer. The meaning I try to take from life, and the thing that is most satisfying for me is the experience of experiencing. Not that I have an experience, but I have the opportunity to have an experience.
This is a bit abstract, even for me, so here's more or less how I take it.
Very similar to the Stoicism I like to fall back towards when I take time to think about my life and personal beliefs, I try to detach the value of an experience from the experience itself. This frees me up to have shitty things happen to (or around) me, and gives me an opportunity to find good, or even just neutral to them. It leaves the assignment of meaning to me. And I can take my time to find the right meaning, or, more importantly, I can change it over time as I interrogate my beliefs and feelings more and more, working my way toward what I want to carry forward in my life.
So where does that leave me?
Simply stated -- 2023 was another year that things happened. I was triumphant and I failed. I was happy and I've never felt worse. The best and worst things happened, and depending on how I choose to look at any one event over the course of the last 365 days, they could both come from the same thing.
So as we watch a ball drop, or a timer reach 0, I offer two simple statements.
First, here's to another year of living, learning, and experiencing — in all its unpredictable, beautiful complexity.
Second, I hope you're well.
<3 flurp