It's been on my mind for quite some time; the feeling that I need to reconnect with you. In conversations with others, and in reflection with myself I can never really decide if I should or not. I find myself ultimately trying to answer a single question. It feels like it should be an easy one, but when truly considered, it never is.
Who is the letter for?
I think it might be for you.
Maybe I'm hoping that I can offer something previously unsaid that can now be discussed. That I can use it as a chance to help you to understand something I could never qualify or convey. It could be a way for me to let you know about the guilt or grief or shame I found over the years that followed. An outlet for feelings I could never express when last we spoke, because they never really existed back then; I needed years to learn them.
Maybe I'm hoping that we can find the laughter we used to share. That we can dust off the inside jokes and deeply personal lexicon we built. Share stories that mattered to no one but us. Remember the deeply intimate moments felt in solitude. Feel the emotion captured only by our senses; wordless and unequivocal. Unparalleled in our lives now, even if we were trying to follow the exact same steps.
Who is the letter for?
I think it might be for me.
It could be a chance for me to hear your unspoken apologies; the ones I never expressed a need for, but the ones I always hoped would exist. It could be an opportunity to be ridiculed, chastised, and reproached for my most egregious mistakes and inconsiderate weaknesses. A window for me to discover the monstrous person I was so I can reconcile that against the person I am now. A person so different from the one you knew. So different from the one I knew.
It could aid me in remembering the strength you helped me feel; the certainty and resolve that I felt capable of carrying into the world with every step. You could offer me some of the finest memories I've forgotten and remind me of the value I brought into the world. A value I worry I'm losing the more time goes on.
It's in these reflections that I realize the saddest truth -- a letter will never help us. That who we were then will never benefit from who we are now.
So, who is the letter for?
It's for the eventual versions of ourselves that will look back on now with the same melancholy and remorse. Those who will recall our current happiness and try to reconnect with our laughter. We look for answers in lives far from their own. In a time that can't be remembered beyond its shape; with details all but washed away.
The advice I'd give to you back then is the advice I'll give to you years from now.
Leave us here. Whether we offer sadness or joy, we're unchanging. The lessons we offer you've already learned. Look forward and ahead to the next you. They're the ones you should be mindful of.
<3 flurp