“Relax. You will become an adult. You will figure out your career. You will find someone who loves you. You
have a whole lifetime; time takes time. The only way to fail at life is to abstain.”
- Johanna de Silentio (a
Søren Kierkegaard pseudonym)
I read the final sentence of this quote earlier today while knocking off one of my daily goals: read a single essay from the 101 Essays… book. It made me pause immediately to pull out my phone and add it to a list that I keep which contains simple one or two line motes of wisdom. (I like to think that one day I'll reflect and write on each of them, but that's yet to become an established pattern.)
Reading it in full makes me regret not discovering it sooner -- although not stumbling across the philosophical works of Kierkegaard or his pseudonyms during my youth is certainly a forgivable offense. There's a simple and beautiful truth to it, that, less than a month away from turning 40, I can appreciate in a way I don't think I could have decades ago, despite the fact that back then it would have been most valuable to internalize. In fact, it's only in recent years, partly through parenting adolescent children crossing the nebulous threshold of adulthood that I can even recognize that. There are just some things that we can't become conscious of in our younger years. This quote is the best advice I never received at their age. It does, however, still offer value to this version of myself I've become.
The last 7 days were quite socially heavy for me, involving 4 separate occasions where I was in breath smelling proximity with people. I swapped stories, engaged in revelry, and shared pieces of myself ranging from minute to intimate with both strangers and close friends. The part of my personality that has been seeking connections this year was well sated by meeting new people and learning about them. The part of my personality that feels exhausted at meeting so many people and worrying about embarrassing myself was not, but I don't try to appease that part too often -- because despite the upfront discomfort, to skip out on opportunities like them feels worse.
Chances are high you've had many experiences in your life that you chose to shy away from. For whatever reason you might've done so, I'd bet it boiled down to the pursuit of mental or emotional comfort -- likely to some detriment. The most egregious example in my case was letting the better part of my 20's and early 30's slip away for this very reason. Rather than experience safe discomfort in my life, I chose to avoid it; I kept myself tucked safely away indoors so I wouldn't have to worry about what strangers or close friends might think. I gave myself full permission to decline any invitations, and seldom made any efforts of my own to live my life in a way that encountered others outside of the bare minimum, personally curated situations that I wanted.
As time moved on, that perspective and behaviour kept me pinned to who I was at a point in time in my life that I didn't even want to be in. I found myself straining to perpetuate my belief and perspective that living a life with others in it was a bad thing. Eventually I observed that belief waning as loneliness crept in, so I began working to dismantle it. The subsequent years of therapy, deep self-reflection, and very deliberate effort to participate in what I consider safe discomforts (hanging out with friends, meeting new people, dating) allowed me to recognize more and more how damaging those beliefs were. As I've embraced this over the last 8 years or so, I feel incredibly grateful at being able to see how much value it's brought me.
It's been these experiences that have finally made me feel like an adult, not just someone of a certain age. It was by poking my head out of the hole I'd made and welcoming other people into my life that I've found people who love me. It's taken time, but that was happening anyway. Our perspective of time is that it's limitless, and to the degree we can perceive it, that's true, but it really is the most significant finite resource we have; one that we're laughably powerless to avoid or slow its consumption.
Ultimately, I think that's why this quote resonates so much with me. It serves as the advice I wish I had when I was younger, and a reminder at any age I'll find myself discovering it again. Your life will unfold in whichever way you choose to let it. The parts of it that are important to you will take time to discover and grow. They may be fraught with discomfort and uncertainty, but those experiences are transient and ones you can learn from. The parts of it that are painful will, likewise, take time for you to accept and let go of, but that too, will happen. So say yes to the uncomfortable social event that comes your way. Share yourself with others and welcome them into your life. Don't regret moments of the precious time you have because you avoided them. Don't let yourself regret the opportunities you've avoided in life, it's the only way to fail.
<3 flurp